Please Come Back!

I've been asking myself this week, Why? Why in the world has my patience left me when I need it so badly right now?!  Usually I have a good amount of patience and I haven't been praying for more so I don't know whats going on.

Kasen is just pushing EVERY button.

Yes, I know I am OCD.  Kyle tells me on a weekly basis.
If I were a FRIENDS character I would most definitely be MONICA!

When my house is dirty I cannot relax.  The muscles in my shoulders get so tight and my anxiety so high that I could cry.  It has to be clean when I go to bed or even just leave the house.

Oh how I envy the mothers that get to enjoy a clean house for longer than the rest of nap time.

Not the ones that pay a house keeper while they take their kids to Zupas everyday, but the ones whose kids go to school or the ones with babies that can't move yet so that they can get other things done :)

Kasen knows how to open the sliding glass door now and wanders outside, leaving the door wide open. I so wish we had a fence and some window well covers! #savingsgoals

And that he'd wait for me to clean up the poop before going out.

But still, he puts his feet in the water bowls for Peeka and Meeko (or drinks out of them), wanders into the neighbors yard so I then have to pull stickers out of his feet, gets knocked over by Peeka's cable (which secretly makes me wish he would learn to just come inside when he starts crying) or just lets her out to run away and takes hand fulls of rocks to throw on the grass.

I hate the rocks.

Long story short, he can't just go out there alone without me knowing.
P.S. Walmart does not carry child locks for sliding glass doors.

I can handle the toys and books everywhere.

What I cannot handle are the crumbs, from him taking the lid off his cracker cups, and pouring them all over the floor and couch and then crunching them into the carpet.

I cannot handle when his old egg and oatmeal and cereal pieces get stuck to my feet in the kitchen.

I HAVE to sweep and I HAVE to vacuum!  Sometimes it just cannot wait till nap time.

I try so hard to let it all go and just play with my babies the entire day, but really how long do I let it go before restoring my balance?!  Where is the balance between getting THINGS done with kids and doing things WITH my kids?

I read books, I sit on the floor in his room with him a build train tracks, I sing "No more monkeys jumping on the bed" while he jumps on the bed and I don't mind that some days Tai wants to be held the whole day, but as soon as I start nursing her Kasen heads straight for the pantry or the back door.

So I start to sweep.  But Kasen wants a snack.

Fruit snacks. So that he can suck on them and then stick them to my wall!

During the time it takes me to open it, he has taken my broom, spread my pile of dirt AND whacked Tai in the face with it!

She by the way hates her swing now and wants to be on the floor, where she is more likely to be trampled.

So while I try to calm her down Kasen has climbed up on the counter and turned on the kitchen sink.

When I ask him, "What are you doing?!" he turns and leans his head over and says, "Flick"

Yes, he knows I'm gonna do it, but now he wants me to! DOES NOT EVEN CARE!
Same as when I ask him to close the sliding glass door.  He'd rather I flick him than just close the door.

 What am I going to do with him?!

AAAHHHAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!! 

Then Tai has a major blowout all over an outfit I put her in for the first time right as I pick her up to put her in the car seat to leave. #stainedforlife

And that was just Tuesday.  Today he cut her head open with the baby finger nail clippers while I was cleaning, what I can only assume was milk soaked animal crackers, out of the crack of my couch.  Not long after poop came out of the top of his diaper, in the FRONT!

But seriously, what do I do?

I try thinking about how stinkin cute he is most of the time and how much I love him to death, like when he gives me hugs and really squeezes and kisses me and says, "uuuv ooo" or the way he says "beek" and wants it to cover his toes or when he learns a new word like alligator and is so excited to tell us over and over, BUT sometimes it just doesn't work and I wonder what is wrong with me?!

I'm doing what I have always wanted to do.

Stay home with my kids.  And most of the time it is all about the huge amount of JOY I feel watching them learn and grow.  Just sometimes it's hard. And sometimes I want to sit and eat 1/2 a gallon of chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

It makes me feel a little better knowing that every other mother out there gets it.

And Heavenly Father gets it.

Somehow I'll get through the next probably 8 years, even if it feels like there are not enough child locks in the world for that to be possible, because Heavenly Father will make me enough for this most important work he has called me to do.

And it will be worth it.

Just please, if you see my patience out there, send it back!
I could really use it and so could Kasen.