The Heart of Conflict

I watched a Ted Talk called Resolving the Heart of Conflict with Jim Ferrell last year (Thanks Marissa!) and was recently reminded of some amazing realizations that he talked about. The 2 stories about fathers and sons are SO great too- just watch it! Which kind of parent are you and which kind of parent/person would you like to be?- probably the most significant thing I took away from it.

But also he talks about how when we see others as objects instead of people there are consequences that affect us. The consequence is that we then have a need to be justified in seeing them as an object. When we need to be justified in blaming others for our problems then we make them blame worthy by inflating their faults in our minds.

It's a cycle of seeing their negative qualities,

leading you to treat them differently, perhaps by avoiding them or criticizing them,

which leads them to think you are mean and difficult, giving them reasons to justify seeing you as an object right back.

 Then they continue doing other things you don't like and the cycle of inviting others to do things we don't like goes on.

Except then we tell other people about what we think of that person too and try to gather allies to help further justify the need to blame this person for our problems, but mistreating others only gives them reason to mistreat us. We complain about our suffering, but continue to perpetuate it by being motivated by and putting our energy into the need to be justified instead of serving others.

Conflict is resolved when we stop blaming the other side and see others as people.

This can be applied to any organization, but the one I recently applied it to is the wards of the Church. So many times, in a Facebook group I am part of, people will complain about not wanting to go to Church because they don't feel welcome or accepted by the members. But it makes me wonder if they just don't want to go to church and are looking for someone else to blame to justify their decision? If you are going to church only for friends or entertainment then you are missing the point. Everyone needs to decide for themselves WHY they go to Church. I go for MY personal relationship with my Savior and my salvation.  If you don't feel welcome or feel like you aren't getting anything out of it then there is something that YOU need to do differently, not the members of your ward. You need to search out friends and serve others if you are feeling lonely, but don't blame the entire ward just to justify your laziness. And don't let other people ruin your relationship with Heavenly Father. Strengthen your own testimony and then it won't matter what other people think. You have to put in what you want to get out of it, but the blessings are so worth it! Even when small kids make it nearly impossible. There is a season for everything and maybe my season right now limits my ability to actually feel the spirit at church, but the habits I am forming for my family and the example I am setting for my children will hopefully far outreach anything I may be missing out on during this season of my life.  I know Heavenly Father is aware of each of our situations, whether we are going through a time of weakness or strength He is always a prayer away. Just take responsibility for the relationship you have with Him, because when it is weak, that is nobody else's doing but your own.