I'm not saying Dads don't have load to bear, being in charge of providing for a family and then balancing that full time work with helping out at home and spending enough time with the family. And I'm not saying that Kyle never helps with any of these things because he helps SO MUCH that I will praise him for it all my days. He is a real partner, jumping in to do laundry, dishes, plan, shop for and cook dinners, put kids to bed, etc. But the mental load for moms is just different. It's not just feeling stress. But I'm not writing about it to complain, I'm writing it to bring some understanding.
It is the ongoing mental list of knowing what ingredients we have in the house to make which meals, planning them and remembering how each family member likes to eat it. Balancing when to go to the store, planning when I'll have time to make each meal before things go bad and remembering which snacks they will still eat this week. Then going to the store last minute cause we still ran out of milk. Sometimes it's having to make multiple meals just to everyone will actually eat something and doing it with a crying baby on your leg while the older kids are asking you all the questions. It's a massive amount of multi-tasking, hearing noise, being touched and being interrupted during every task.
It's navigating bad moods, mediating fights and trying to keep everyone's peace anytime there is more than one person in a room or car together.
It's knowing which kids are growing out of what clothes that need to be replaced and what shoe size everyone wears so they have what they need when the seasons change. Making sure everyone has clean clothes and socks and pants without holes to wear to school and a white shirt for church and taking out the too small clothes as they come through the laundry. Remembering which things need stain treatments before getting washed and knowing if jerseys or other shirts are clean the days they need to wear them.
Remembering all the birthdays, making sure the kids have gifts to take to the parties, RSVP to the mom and knowing if I have enough tissue paper to wrap them. Planning my own kids birthday parties with invitations, food and cake decorating. Making sure the house is clean enough to host all the company and remembering where all the little spots are that need to be cleaned before they arrive. Literally wiping down every visible surface.
Planning and decorating for holidays, trying to make it special for everyone. Making sure everyone has a costume to wear, a pumpkin to carve, an egg to dye, Valentines to hand out and a Christmas card for the neighbors. Figuring out what gifts to get everyone for the next holiday coming up and knowing what we need to bring for monthly family dinners.
Keeping the house organized and knowing where things are at all times. Noticing the last place the missing milk cups and the missing shoes and socks were. Managing all the clutter. Like what collects on the banister. It's knowing that we have poster board when Kasen needs a poster and where the scissors are and that we have 2 rolls of tape left. Adding things to the shopping list as we go so I don't forget later.
Keeping track of and reminding the kids whose turn it is to clean which bathroom, unload the dishwasher, do their chores and practice piano. Checking that it was actually done and teaching them when they don't seem to know how to clean. Helping them deep clean their rooms when it becomes unmanageable.
Keeping track of which bathrooms are almost out of soap, toothpaste or toilet paper and knowing how much of everything we have left to use in the storage room downstairs vs. when they go on sale to buy more at Costco and the date the sale ends (diapers before May 4th ;)
Generally keeping the house a clean and enjoyable place to live. Always cleaning.
Knowing what homework they have and the date that it is due. Knowing how many of the 40 book challenge books Kasen has read and which ones are down in his room and what day they are due back at the library. Remembering to write in his Friday letter book each week and signing his homework page. Knowing which Battle of the Books books Tai has left to read, which letter Kohen is on for his mystery bag and if he's done Upstart yet each day. Cleaning out their backpacks and managing more clutter. And all the School Spirit days! So much school spirit.
Making sure kids have a scripture ready or a talk written when it's their turn in Primary. Planning family nights and making sure we read scriptures.
Knowing the date registration opens for swimming lessons, sports and kindergarten so that we don't miss signing up or have to pay late fees.
Knowing the last time we saw the dentist so it can be scheduled again in 6 months and making appointments for all the well check visits each year and parent teacher conferences.
Making sure their nails are cut, ears are clean and remembering the last time everyone bathed. Haircuts.
Packing for 5 people whenever we go anywhere. Knowing if the diaper bag has diapers, wipes, water bottles, milk or snacks anytime we get in the car. Does everyone really have shoes on? Hair done? Teeth brushed? Matching clothes? X5
Tracking children's activities, adding everything to the calendar, setting the alarms, getting them there and picking them up on time, scheduling carpools, playdates, coordinating needed childcare and finding time to work out or even shower. When is my period supposed to start? When could we go to the temple? And who could watch our kids if we do?
It's knowing where everyone is and what exactly they are getting into at all times because who wants to be the one to be asked later, "Well, why weren't you watching them better?"
Keeping all the bills paid, tracking all our travel rewards cards, remembering how much extra money is in the account, when I need to add more money to the kids school lunch accounts and budgeting where our money needs to go. Staying out of debt and still saving money too.
Responding to everyone's texts, calls, polos and school correspondence in between. Not to mention the tasks to do for my own calling, my own photography business and managing book club. My brain is always running through the lists. All of these to dos run through my head daily.
It's being the keeper of the information and the keeper of the memories.
Then worrying that I yelled too much, didn't feed everyone enough vegetables, read to them enough times, limit enough screen time or show them enough love and attention during the day.
It's the same things repeated over and over, every day and they can't wait. Invisible things. Even when moms get sick or have strep throat. I can't change the diaper tomorrow, put off washing the peed on sheets, or wait to feed them until I have time. I have to get kids off of the counter and clean up the spills as they happen. Try not to react when the bowl of cereal is spilled another day in a row, right when we need to be leaving. Because we have to be in the car RIGHT THEN. That's why it feels like I got nothing done, but did everything every day. I have to remember that without the messes I wouldn't get the amazing memories and experiences that I get to have as a mother.
But that is why Mom's are AMAZING! They MAKE time to play with and enjoy their families. To create meaningful memories. They get all the things done and make things happen in ways that seem impossible. It is hard and it is satisfying and it brings me JOY. I love to take care of my family. My heart goes out to those women who want nothing more than to be a mother and haven't been able to, but I don't think we shouldn't celebrate mothers because of it. Mother's absolutely deserve to be remembered, noticed, acknowledged and celebrated, to feel special and encouraged to do these hard, but worthwhile things! Especially the ones in the trenches right now, currently wiping butts, peeing with an audience and making dinner every night with a crying toddler standing on their toes. They need the extra love most of all. They could use a small break from meeting all the needs, cleaning up kids messes and making decisions.
I may not be good at always being patient, taking them into every store with me, embracing the messes, sharing my ice cream or stopping to play make believe, but I am reliable and I am consistent. I sing at bedtime, we read, cuddle on the couch to watch movies and I take them on adventures outside. I love seeing them smile. I will always be there to cheer them on and tell them how much I love them no matter what. I just hope that deep down inside they always know that they are loved and they can do hard things too. I am so proud of them!
"A mother is she who can take the place of all others, but whose place no one else can take."
Happy Mother's Day
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