1 in 4

I'm not the type of person that ever thinks "That would never happen to me."

Anything that has happened to anyone else could just as likely happen to me. And in weird ways thinking that it can and might, mentally prepares me for those situations. Even though Brene Brown would tell me not to do that...

I've seen the statistics that say 1 in 8 women struggles with infertility and 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. In March, I became that 1 that struggles with infertility (along with a handful of other women I know that are still struggling with it). After trying for 12 months to get pregnant that is what the doctors diagnose you with; infertility. In my case secondary infertility.

In July, I became that 1 that has miscarried. Although in my world of friends that statistic is more like 3 in 4. Nearly all of my close friends have gone through a miscarriage.

Which is why I have always been very well aware that it could happen to me.

It's also the reason we did start trying again when Tai was only 15 months old, because after knowing so many women that have struggled with secondary infertility, all I think is "who knows how long it will even take us to get pregnant this time"

After having tried for a full year to get pregnant I went to the doctor to see if there were any obvious reasons why we hadn't. I'd used ovulation kits, had perfectly consistent periods, use zero medication, we have zero history of STDs, AND the kind doctor said my cervix looks GREAT! (Thanks doc, for that confidence boost. I always did think I had a great looking cervix...though I've never actually seen one.) They tested my thyroid and prolactin. There is no obvious reason why.

So do we do a semen analysis? There isn't really a point to pay all the money to do one since we wouldn't continue on with IUI or IVF.

Do we try Clomid?
Not yet.

Clomid is a fertility drug. And yes I know that fewer than 1 in 10 pregnancies are actually twin pregnancies caused by Clomid, BUT I have just become that "1" for two other similar statistics AND Kyle just so happens to already be a twin. One of the TWO sets of twins his mother had. Which really has nothing to do with anything as far as me conceiving twins except that it makes it seem that much more of a real possibility. Actually, I would be perfectly content to find out I was having twins. I want 4 kids. I have two arms. That is do-able (said the girl who has never had twins). Triplets, maybe sextuplets, are what TERRIFY me. The only thing playing on repeat in my head would be one track of "MY life is literally over."

So we'd just been casually trying. Very casually. As in I threw the ovulation schedule out the window months ago and just stopped caring about it. Trying everyday for 7 days didn't work, every other day for 11 days didn't work as well as every other cooky schedule out there that is the optimum way to ensure conception. Kyle asks me when my period is supposed to start... No idea whatsoever anymore.

 I told Kyle the new rule was no peeing on a stick until I was at least 3 days late because I was sick of wasting money every time he wanted me to take a test before my period was even supposed to start. June 26th I finally got the guts to take another pregnancy test and found out that we were pregnant!

FINALLY. After 15 months.

But we didn't tell anyone because telling people gets my hopes up and it gets the people's hopes up and then it's all we and the people talk about and my hopes soar higher still. And I make plans. Way too many plans. Because I am a major planner and list maker. (We have had all our names and middle names picked since we were pregnant with Kasen.) So until I go to my first appointment and hear that little heartbeat I just keep chanting over and over "Don't plan on it till you hear that heartbeat. It's not real until you hear that heartbeat."

Whelp, week 7 rolled around and I started to bleed.

I called my OB and they made it seem like no big deal. "Oh...well...if you bleed more tomorrow then call us back." 

"Even though a long string of clotted blood/tissue or whatever just came out of me?

Okay... no big deal..."

2 days later, no more blood, we packed up and headed to Flaming Gorge. 4 hours from home.

The very next night there was blood.

Called the OB bright and early Monday morning and all of a sudden it's, "You need to go to the ER RIGHT NOW!"

"Oh I get it, now that I am 4 hours away it's all of a sudden an "emergency". Of course it's an emergency now. Perfect."

 Kyle said we had to go. Standing on the dock at Flaming Gorge I had every intention of getting on his parents boat. I didn't want to to go the emergency room. I didn't have any pain. If I could bleed before and it wasn't a big deal then I can bleed now and it doesn't need to be a big deal and I'll see the doctor in just 2 more days without the ER happily charging me $3000 to tell me "Uh yeah, just wait for it to pass and uh take some Tylenol if it hurts."

(Which is EXACTLY what happened! Except I overestimated the bill. But not by much.)

So we drove an hour to the ER in Vernal. They did do an ultra sound though. I was 8 weeks then and well aware that babies that are 8 weeks along are supposed to have heartbeats.

Ours did not and measured 6 weeks in size. So I was diagnosed with a THREATENED miscarriage.

Maybe the baby is just behind. "Well then I suspect I wouldn't be bleeding then"

I was just supposed to go to my regular first appointment with my OB, a week later, to get another ultra sound to see if the baby had grown at all by then. And no getting in the water at Flaming Gorge. And a gorgeous bruise from the blood draw.

I bled every day after that until Thursday, July 25th 3:00PM when everything passed. I called my OB again and that day they finally wanted to see me! Where I got a very unusually close arm rub from a doctor I'd never met, who was very determined to make sure I knew this wasn't my fault.

"Duh! How and why would this be my fault?!"

 I think he was looking for some sort of emotion, but apparently I don't have those.

We headed straight to Fat Cats after visiting the OB.

I was expecting weeping and wailing like other "normal" people seem to experience, but I guess I'm not normal. So I waited for other's reactions to maybe kick start me into feeling what I thought I was supposed to be feeling, but all around there wasn't as much emotion as I expected. So I guess not telling anyone I was pregnant worked? It's all just very confusing. But also a blessing that there hasn't been more pain. Physical or emotional. I don't feel like we lost a member of our family. The baby never developed at all, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. And hopefully I don't become less sympathetic to early miscarriages in general because I know that everyone processes that devastation differently.

But I am thankful for the all the tender mercies: 

1. In the morning, before everything passed, I found out that the temple has giant pads in the bathroom that are free. Saved my life! Especially since they asked us to be the witness couple that day. I told Kyle he better check the back of my dress every time I stood up.

2. At least we know now that we still CAN get pregnant.

3. I never had any morning sickness or labor pains, just 2 days of mild cramps.

4. A few great hugs.
5. A nice sleepy snuggle from Tai, reminding me why I want another child in the first place.
6. Some killer zucchini bread.

7. and a priesthood blessing from Kyle that I didn't think to ask for.

When I got back from the ER Kasen asked me, "Where did you get those bracelets?"
"From the ER."
"What is the ER?"
"The emergency room."
"Was there an emergency? What was your emergency mom?"
"I was bleeding inside my tummy, but I'm alright now."
I went to Costco and bought the comfy sweat pants that I've been wanting so I'm good...

I've enjoyed talking to my friends that have miscarried about their experiences and just knowing that none of us are ever alone in our trials. There is always someone that has gone through your same struggles to talk to. 

"All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good."

It's God's way of reminding me that He is in control. His timing is perfect and wherever I think I'm supposed to be may not be the better place that God has in store for me, but I trust that he is leading me to His greatest goodness.

This has taught me about being more specific with my goals and prayers though.
I was reading over the goals I wrote down for 2019 and goal #7 says "Get Pregnant".
In all fairness that prayer was answered. Next year I'll be sure to write down, "Have a baby" for my 2020 goal...